am i the only one left who would sacrifice everything for love?
it feels like maybe this is an old romantic notion that i should've grown out of.

it hurts my heart.

i have a doctors appointment scheduled for monday morning...

5 months ago, i ended up in the ER for stomach things. mostly, i couldn't stand up straight from the pain of what i can only describe as my stomach trying to claw it's way out of my body by any means necessary.

on check-in, i labeled my pain as a 8 on the 1-10 scale. 8! have you seen my body? i'm COVERED IN HUGE TATTOOS! an 8 is pretty high for me. i would imagine a 9 being me grabbing any sharp (or dull) object and actually helping my stomach claw it's way out.
and a 10 would be me passed out...which is kinda where i wished i was that day in the hospital.

after 5 hours and a "GI cocktail" the pain dropped to a 7.

look, if you want to be treated well in the ER you have to be at a 10. i curled and uncurled on the hospital bed for at least 4 hours before the doc on call actually came around. he pushed, he prodded, he looked at the chart. he asked, "on a scale from 1-10 what is your pain level?"
i said, "7."

he wrote gastritis on my chart and suddenly i was free to go.

i went home with some prescription strength antacids and a referral to a GI Specialist.
i took the pills for 3 days and my stomach got worse for 3 days. i stopped taking them. it stopped getting worse.

i never went back. i swore off western medicine.. again. (oh so many past experiences have led me here time and time and time again). i went to acupuncture. i regularly saw my therapist. i gave up all caffeine, alcohol, acidic foods, processed flours, sugar, citrus. i started riding my bike more. i took chinese herbs, i did massage. i didn't eat three hours prior to going to bed. i drank a big cold glass of water every morning first thing. i started drinking kefir and probiotics.... the list goes on.

with all of that change i was able to keep myself away from the doctors. barely.
every day i would tell myself that it was getting better, i mean, the pain wasn't a 7 anymore. at most it got up to a 6 but stayed pretty constant at a 4... and, i got used to it.

but long periods of pain make me tired. mentally, physically, emotionally.
and
i
can't
do
this
anymore.

so,
i'm going to the doctors monday morning.

i'm going to let him know that i won't be taking any "symptom reducer" medicines.
i don't want to treat the symptoms. i don't want to make it tolerable, i want to kill, kill, kill it.
i want to attack the cause.

the list?
oh god, you name it.
from ulcer to Crohn's i suppose. i mean, look, i'm very in touch with my body.
i'm in touch and i'm educated.
it's not in my intestines, it's in my stomach.
that reduces alot of the potential prognosis...prognosises...prognosi?

eh.

we'll see, we'll see.

just, you know, looking for some kind of level ground.

where are you?

something about not letting the possibility of love slip away.
or regrets for not saying the things that need to be said.

&something about how outside of me, it's still real. it shows.

validating.......what?

it seems as thought we're not on really good terms right now.
perhaps i've been taking you for granted, living the high life, not paying any mind to consequences.
perhaps i've been lazy with our relationship, thinking you'll always be there for me.

i just want you to know that i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for the disrespect, for the taxing situations, for the stress.
i'm sorry for not nurturing you, taking the time to help you grow.
i'm sorry for the constant ups and downs.
i'm sorry mostly for not taking the time to see what was bothering you,
what was eating you up. i'm sorry for taking so long.

things don't always turn out right, wishes are just.that.

i suppose we're still on top, as we're still alive? we're still alive.

a

it makes me nervous when r disables the comments to his posts.
i feel like i have something to say. i feel like i need to say it.
but in all honesty, if they were turned on, my mind would be blank.

life has a way of defining itself.
this is how it will be. this is how it will be.
i see it myself, i see it in others.

and i fight it? i fight it. i try to make it something different.
but i always get checked, i alway come back to the reality of... everything.

do i dream? do i dare?

of course i do. it's part of my genetic makeup, it's who i am.
in that, i have to be prepared for disappointment. for heartache. for dissatisfaction.

and adventure. and extreme joy. and inspiration. and love.

i am happy 100% of the time.
i am sad 100% of the time.
i am all or nothing.

i want to find a middle ground.
i want to find a balance.

this is what i do
in case there was any misunderstanding

it's time for something new.

You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you. -Isadora Duncan

i'm finding myself discontent with my life.
i have too much time and not enough ambition.
i want to change that, i want to fill my time with important things.
things that make money. things that make security. things.
i want to wake up in the morning and feel as if i have something to contribute.
i want to inspire and create change.
i want something better.

.
i'm influenced heavily by ta and russel. i think they're both amazing writers and have a way of saying what's in my heart, taking those feelings and putting them to words.
and i wish my photography was as brilliant as hils. her colors and perception just get under my skin.
john makes me want to be a better artist. more fluent, fluid.
there are more, of course there are more.
but this is who is affecting me immediately.
this is who inspires me.
this is who i cannot get enough of.

i used to paint from a place of pain, desperation, fever, need (to get shit out).
and now i'm trying to paint from a place of gratitude, compassion, understanding, thankfulness.
it's hard.
it's different.
it seems less meaningful.

i used to incorporate my poetry with my art.
now i find my words are light and airy. they don't stick to the canvas.

i realized that i stopped painting from my heart and started painting from my head when i went technical.
popart portraits, follow the steps one two three...

i'm trying to reconnect.
with me.
with the artist that lives inside of me.
with the feeling.

i love the rain!

SUPER PREACHERS

happy vday to all my lj lovelies!
you have captured my heart.
and if you think i'm talking to you? i am!
you and you and you and you!
all of you!